The last two days, I’ve been working on this page in my journal, entitled “Forever a Dreamer.”

My creativity and my passion for art are beautiful gifts I received about five years ago, although I believe they were always with me, lying dormant, deep inside. Until that point, I hadn’t truly realized they were there.

My newly discovered passion motivated me to find an outlet for it, so I returned to college to pursue an Associate’s degree in graphic design. It was by no means a piece of cake; I worked full-time in a demanding service profession by day while attending school at night for three long years. I also had to learn how to make art in a whole new way, via computer and software, which was profoundly challenging for a technophobe like me. Eventually I arrived at the end of the tunnel, finally earning my diploma this past August.

When I finished, I was feeling exhausted and burned out, and didn’t know where to go next. If I wanted to transition out of my current profession and into the field of design, I knew I’d need to continue my studies and earn a BFA. That would require another 2-3 years of schooling, while again working  full-time. It would also would require that I fall into serious debt, which terrified me.

It would also mean continuing to put my personal art pursuits on the back burner, relegating them to third or fourth place on my list of priorities, as I’d been doing–and that made my soul weep.

After agonizing about this decision for months, I decided to stop agonizing, and just let things be for awhile. I reentered my studio on a regular basis, brought out the papers and paints and inks again, and dove back into art journaling.  I registered for mixed-media art classes and workshops. I felt like an artist again, on my own terms, and I liked it. I still like it.

I still don’t have any idea what the future holds. I still don’t know if I’ll choose to enroll in college again. I still don’t know if I’ll make a career transition.

What I do know is that I still want to live a more creative, artistic life. I still desire more creative fulfillment in my career. I’m just not ready to commit to anything concrete yet. I am forever a dreamer, trying to find my path. I am wishful, hoping that serendipity will shine a light, pointing me in the right direction of where I’m meant to go and who I’m meant to be. In the meantime, you can find me in my journal, doing the work to figure it all out.